Lord of the Rings 'Screenplay'
by gisella89
Summary: Did you ever wonder the derpyness that happened when the fellowship split? No? Well now you get to see it all! This is so stupid I can't put it in to words but it was like the greatest thing to write! I had to redo the format because of the rather stupid screenplay rule, but it's still okay and readable.
1. Ara and friends 1- The BURN!

**I know tolkien would hate people making 'fun' I suppose of his story, and that he's probably turning in his grave at that. I do not wish to be at all offensive to Tolkien or anything so yar. This is more based on the movie for sure but still... this is so... stupid. And small. XD **

**If you review with an account (Sorry guests, :( I wish I could PM you) you will get a personalized PM from the cast! :D**

**D'you know how this all came to be? I was lieing in bed and I picked up my pad of paper and literally just wrote: LEGOLAS: Dvarves. Ugly smelly creatures who dwell in dark underground mines in search of their jewels.**

**My friends Uma and Emma helped me on chapters to come, ****but this one was me.**

**Due to fanfic regulations, I had to change the format. ****Which is sad. Nobody cares unless they report me, but oh well, there are people like that. Thank you guys for informing me but ugh.**

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><p><strong>ACT 1<strong>

_Location: Sunny day in a grassy field_

NARRATOR SAURON WALKS ON. Sauron sits on the side of the stage.

NARRATOR SAURON says "We all know and love the LotRs, the books and the movies, but what really happened those days we don't hear about? Well, I'm your narrator Sauron, and I really would love to kill all these characters- but don't fear audience! I won't hurt you! Maybe..."

_Legolas walks on_

Legolas says "Dwarves. Ugly smelly creatures who dwell in dark underground mines in search of their greedy jewels. Elves however are majestic beautiful beings, the fairest swiftest organisms in all of middle earth!"

_Gimli walks on_

Gimli says "Are you saying you're BETTER than me?! Pointy eared elvish princeling!"

Legolas says "That _is _what I'm applying, yes."

Gimli says "Ishkhaqwi ai durugnul! (I spit upon your grave!)"

NARRATOR SAURON says "That means 'I spit upon your grave!', just to tell you"

_They bicker endlessly and Aragorn walks in. Aragorn puts a hand on his forehead then shakes his head exasperatedly _

Aragorn says "That was not so courteous..."

NARRATOR SAURON "Aragorn feels like a overworked babysitter..."

_Gimli and Legolas ignore Aragorn's reasoning. Inaudible fighting and insults. Aragorn pulls them apart forcefully_

Aragorn says "Calm down, boys"

Both says "Boys?!"

Legolas says "I am over 2000 years old, and still looking handsome!"

_Gimli looks appalled_

Gimli says (accusing) "You're a senior!"

Aragorn says (muttering so Legolas and Gimli can't hear) "I'm 88... look at me..."

Legolas says (to Gimli) "You are but a mere child to elves! I am a mature-!"

_Aragorn laughs coldly and disbelievingly. Legolas glares at Ara and Ara pretends to writhe in pain._

Aragorn says "I can feel the burnnnn! THE BURN!"

NARRATOR SAURON says "And so the day went on as it usually did. Legolas and Gimli made up (with help from our beloved Ara) and told each other they loved them, much as they usually did. They left the stage, then the scene changes magically to a moonlit campsite. You know, plays do that."


	2. Ara and friends 2- Oh deer!

**If you review or fave and follow with an account (Sorry guests, :( I wish I could PM you) you will get a personalized PM from the cast! :D**

**I love writing these XDDD I hope you like reading! This one is just... ugh. Im dieing inside at this horribleness...**

**Uma and Emma helped on the later part of this, but it's still mostly me.**

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><p><strong>ACT 2<strong>

_Location: Moonlit campsite _

_Aragorn walks in with a dead deer and throws it unceremoniously on the ground in front of Legolas and Gimli who skip in holding hands wearing daisy chains _

_Sparkly sound effect_

Aragorn says (gruffly) "While you two were dilly-dallying in the meadow I was hunting for our dinner. Here."

_He points at the carcass and Gimli and Legolas look at it scornfully_

Legolas says "Is it fattening?"

Gimli says "Fresh?"

Legolas says "Organic?"

Gimli says "Cooked?" (_Aragorn is getting annoyed)_

Legolas says "Free of preservatives?"

Gimli says "Tasty?"

Legolas says "From this forest?"

Gimli says "Truly a deer?"

Aragorn says "Of course it's a-!"

Legolas says "Lean?"

Gimli says "Young?"

Legolas says "non-GMO?"

Gimli says "Yummy?"

Legolas says "Good for my complexion?"

Gimli says "If Frodo were here would he eat it?"

Legolas says "Is it seasoned with Thyme and Rosemary?"

Gimli says "Is it scrumptious?"

Legolas says "Is it suited to prince standards?"

Gimli says "Or for related-to-royalty?"

Legolas says "Have you cooked deer before?"

Aragorn says (Angry) "JUST EAT THE FREAKING DEER."

_Gimli and Legolas mutter, annoyed_

_Sauron who is still looking on laughs evilly a bit._

_Aragorn sighs and begins cooking it over a fire he makes. It is done_

Aragorn says "Come for dinner!"

_The two sit down and taste it_

Legolas says "My meat has fat on it!"

Gimli says "My fat has meat on it!"

Legolas says "This part is cold!"

Gimli says "Mine is tough here!"

_Aragorn is furious_

Aragorn says "Legolas! We're not in a five star hotel, we're out in the wilderness so maybe try working for once!"

_Legolas looks hurt_

Aragorn says "Gimli Sofia Maria Bartholomew Gloinson!"

_Gimli looks offended and surprised he knew his full name_

Aragorn says "Take your big beard and s-!"

Gimli says (blurted) "I wash my beard everyday with Legolas's 'Clean 'n fresh' Elven shampoo!"

_Gimli claps a hand over his mouth. Aragorn touches his hair nervously (he used it too)_

_Legolas's jaw drops. He goes to the tent and enters it. You hear banging and he emerges covered in fluff_

NARRATOR SAURON says "Ummm... where'd the fluff come from?"

Legolas says "GIMLI! That was my special secret for my beautiful flowing locks! I'm going to take your hairs!"

_Gimli is terrified_

Gimli says "Not Galadriel!"

NARRATOR SAURON says "You see, Legolas has never been good at keeping secrets and he tends to blurt out his plans. That is why whilst in battle or conversing with the enemy Aragorn does the talking."

_Gimli enters the tent and comes out with 3 golden hairs in a glass box, covered by a box, covered by another box, and another, and another, so forth, topped off with a lock. Gimli has the key. He eats the key._

Gimli says (shrugging) "It'll turn up later."

_Aragorn and Legolas are appalled_

Gimli says "In my defense, I did catch Aragorn washing his mop-top of his with your shampoo last night."

Aragorn says (defensively) "I may be scruffy, but it's a handsome scruffy!"

Legolas says "But... but..."

_Legolas does puppy eyes. Gimli hugs him, succumbing to the adorableness_

Gimli says "Legolas! I'm so sorry! I love you!"

_Aragorn rolls his eyes_

Aragorn says "Legolas Isabella Greenleaf, stop doing that face!"

_Legolas blushes_

Legolas says "How did you learn that?!"

Aragorn says (mysteriously) "I have connections in many places..."

Gimli says "Cough *thranduil* Cough"

Legolas says "Hmm... what?"

Aragorn says "Now it's nap time! Come boys!"

_He herds them to the tent_

NARRATOR SAURON says **_"INTERMISSION..."_**

_Curtains close..._

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><p><strong>NOT GALARIEL!<strong>


	3. Treebeard and hobbits- Life

**For later chapters Boromir ****_will_**** be dead, but there'll be flashbacks... PROBABLY. Not sure yet. Now this is a bit of a throwaway chapter but still please enjoy.**

****If you review or fave and follow with an account (Sorry guests, :( I wish I could PM you) you will get a personalized PM from the cast! :D****

****Hate the new format.****

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><p><strong>ACT 3<strong>

_Location: A forest at dawn._

_Treebeard is walking with Pip and Merry at his side_

Merry says "C'mon treebeard, walk faster! You too Pip."

Treebeard says "Why.. "(pause)

Pip says "Why what?"

Treebeard says "Are..."

Merry says "Are what?"

Treebeard says "The..."

Both say "The what?!"

Treebeard says "-grasses growing...?"

Merry says (annoyed) "That's all?!"

Pip says "Well they grow because of sunlight and rain that-"

Merry says "I don't think he meant it literally, Pip. Probably theoretically."

Pip says "Theoretically?"

Merry says "Never mind, but Treebeard, why would you you ask a question like that?"

Treebeard says "There are..."

Pip says "Are?"

Treebeard says "Many reasons..."

_They wait for more but he doesn't say anything_

Merry says "Oh, that was it?"

Treebeard says "It? You... cannot just say it..."

Pip says "Why not?"

Treebeard says "Because..."

Treebeard says "You cannot."

NARRATOR SAURON says "You can see the problem with old Treebeard..."

Pip says "But WHY?"

Treebeard says "Because..."

Pip says "WHY?!"

Treebeard says "Because the secret of life is-"

_Curtains close_


	4. Frodo, Sam and Stinker- Flax

**Don't worry, I do like Frodo. The song is 'Headlines' by DRAKE. And not to be offensive to anyone; I'm not a DRAKE fan but my cousin and I, when anyone does something stupid, or if there's a horror movie or something, we'll just sing that little 'don't do it' snippet. We have christened those lyrics to be the worst filler lyrics.**

_**If you review or fave and follow with an account (Sorry guests, :( I wish I could PM you) you will get a personalized PM from the cast! :D**_

**k, nuff' rambling, here:**

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><p><strong>ACT 4<strong>

_Location: Some rocky mountain near-ish to Mordor_

_Frodo is on the ground in the middle. Sam tends to him_

Frodo says "Sam... It's so... so heavy..."

Sam says "What is Mr. Frodo?"

Frodo says "What do you think, you dimpo."

Sam says "The ring?"

Frodo says "No! My cape! This thing is like, completely chainmail!"

_Sam looks confused_

Sam says "But chainmail is made out of hard metals, just because it's made of small rings fastened together intricately doesn't mean it's chainmail, sir."

Frodo says "Knitters..."

Sam says "Shall I take the cape, master Frodo?"

Frodo says "Get your own.

_Sam touches his cape thoughtfully_

Sam says "Erm..."

Frodo says (almost aggressively) "What?"

Sam says "Nothing. You should get some sleep or food."

_Two large eyes pop up behind a rock_

_Ominous music plays (dun dun dun)_

Gollum says "Hello... precious..."

_Sam is repulsed_

_Gollum jumps down to Frodo and Sam with a cloak in his hand_

Gollum says "We heard everything... we have a cloak master... It's made of FLAX... it is very light master..."

Sam says "Go away Stinker! Slimer! Slinker!"

Frodo says "Shut up Sam! I need a new cloak anyhow!"

Gollum says "You can have it master... we will trades it for the precious...

NARRATOR SAURON says (singing Drake) "Don't do it, please don't do it! If one of us goes in then we all go through it!"

Frodo says (looking at Sauron) "What?"

NARRATOR SAURON says "Oh never mind."

Sam says "But ! You know you're about to trade the largest evil in the world, the thing that is everyones downfall, every greed, pain, sadness, all this concentrated destructive power, the soul of the dark LORD, and the one weakness we all feel in out blackened hearts for a _CLOAK?!"_

Frodo says "I'm aware."

NARRATOR SAURON says "Le gasp! Man, I never liked Frodo much. He's seriously fine with trading the one ring for an itchy flax cloak? Ppphhht, thats my soul you're gambling with, sonny. Wow..."

Sam says "Master! You-"

_Sam runs to Frodo and grabs the chain off his neck, then runs off stage with it. He is followed by Gollum. A spotlight focuses on Frodo and Frodo begins to cry melodramatically in a heap._

NARRATOR SAURON says "Crybaby..."

_Frodo cries hysterically and the curtains close._


	5. Girls and Faramir- Womanly Deathmatch

**Remember to disregard life and how the books are structured because I'm coming up with plots without caring about what part it could happen in. It won't match up with the book and or movie timeline, well, I won't have Frodo destroying the ring while Ara and friends are just derping, but yeah. This is becoming more play-like and Sauron is becoming more active! You'll see more Ara and Friends soon...**

**If you review or fave and follow with an account (Sorry guests, :( I wish I could PM you) you will get a personalized PM from the cast! :D  
><strong>

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><p><strong>ACT 5<strong>

_Location: Forest clearing where Arwen is waiting._

_Éowyn rides in followed by a grumpy Faramir_

NARRATOR SAURON says _"_Éowyn rides to Arwen, it is battle time._"_

Éowyn says (puling out her sword) _"_It is battle time._"_

_Sauron shrugs like 'what did I tell ya'_

Éowyn says _"_We will fight to the death for out beloved Aragorn!_"_

_Arwen rolls her eyes. Faramir sulks._

Arwen says _"_We will not fight to the death like barbarians. Though, if we did, I would easily win._"_

Éowyn says _"_Yeah right, elfling. I'm not called Shield-maiden of Rohan for nothing._"_

Arwen says _"_I'm not called his girlfriend for nothing._"_

NARRATOR SAURON (clapping hand on cheeks) _"Oh snap!"_

Arwen says _"_But anyway, lets settle this like woman, with a _deathmatch!"_

Faramir says _"_Didn't you just-_"_

Arwen says _"_A deathmatch is fine, just not a barbaric one. You'll be our judge_"_

_Faramir's face lights up, but then it goes dark_

Faramir says (mischievously) _"_Ooookayy, wait. You're not actually going to kill the loser... right?_"_

Arwen says _"_Probably not..._"_

NARRATOR SAURON says _"_That's reassuring_"_

Arwen says _"_loser will probably just lose Aragorn_"_

NARRATOR SAURON says _"_Y'all know Faramir's lil' crush on Éowyn, right?_"_

_Faramir glares at Sauron_

Faramir says _"_Not now._"_

_Sauron crosses his arms_

NARRATOR SAURON says _"_Fine. Back to the story. Your cue Éowyn_"_

Éowyn says _"_It's not like we're doing a play, sheesh._"_

NARRATOR SAURON says _"_Nobody told her? Oh, go on then._"_

Éowyn says _"_So Arwen, how shall we start?_"_

Arwen says _"_A battle of wits! Something **_I _**excel at, being an elf and you being a... woman from a dirty village that smells of horses_"_

Éowyn says _"_I will disregard that._"_

_A desk and a chair are pushed on stage and Faramir sits behind them with a stack of number cards_

Éowyn says _"_Faramir, you give us some riddles, and we will try to answer, then you will rate our answers, please._"_

Faramir says _"_Of course! For you! Okay, let me think... okay, Boromir told me this a very long time ago.. here A man walks into a pub and simply orders a water. The bar tender looks at the man, grabs a crossbow, and points it at the man's face. The man says, "Thank you" gets up, and walks out of the pub. Why did they behave this way?_"_

Girls say _"_Er..._"_

Arwen says _"_That's actually pretty hard. Why would a crossbow help?_"_

Éowyn says _"_The more pressing question is why would someone order water at a bar?! Wait..._"_

Faramir says _"_Really?_"_

Éowyn says _"_I've got it. He had the hiccups!_"_

_Faramir cringes_

NARRATOR SAURON says (in a pretend whisper) _"_You see, Faramir has a plan, he wants Arwen to win so Éowyn won't get Aragorn... although he feels like he's being selfish he wants both of them to be happy._"_

Faramir says _"_Um, Éowyn, you get a... 5_"_

Éowyn says (a bit mad) _"_5?! That's all?_"_

Faramir says _"_... sorry_"_

Éowyn says _"_It's okay... now what else?_"_

Faramir says _"_Here: There are four brothers in this world that were all born together. The first runs and never wearies. The second eats and is never full. The third drinks and is always thirsty. The fourth sings a song that is never good. Who are they?_"_

Arwen says _"_Easy. Water, Fire, Earth and Wind_"_

Faramir says _"_Correct! 8 points!_"_

Éowyn says _"_8?! Fine, fine. But who said the wind's song is never good, and since when were Water, Fire, Earth and Wind brothers?_"_

Faramir says _"_It's a riddle, right? Now lets move onto the brute strength challenge..._"_

_Éowyn and Arwen take out their weapoons and proceed to start fighting. The stage dims so that you can't see anyone and you hear screams and grunts_

NARRATOR SAURON says _"_**LATER...**_"_

_The light comes on and Éowyn is lying sprawled on the ground, (if possible on set with mud and or blood) exhausted from who knows what. Arwen is sitting down, also tired (again if possible on set with mud and or blood)_

Faramir says (tired) _"_Ugh... we've been doing this for like... 8 hours. Arwen wins..._"_

Éowyn says _"_Fine... I'm done_"_

Arwen says _"_Yay... he was mine anyway..._"_

_They all yawn_

Faramir says _"_Éowyn... come with me..._"_

_Faramir gets up and takes Éowyn's hand, and they leave together 'romantically'. Arwen walks away too, deciding to leave._

NARRATOR SAURON says (yawning) _"_I'm suddenly tired too, excuse me while I go sleep._"_

_Curtains close_


	6. Ara and friends 3- Horses

**1. Yeah, Théoden ****_is _****awesome, but I couldn't resist making him all creepy.**

**2. I have nothing against religion, I'm Christian myself but like 1. It's just so funny to use it in this case**

**3. When Ara says 'Your breath smells like flowers' that's quoting Dom (Dominic Monahagen) on Orlando Bloom on the LotR appendices. I'd like to smell his breath to find out if it actually does smell like flowers. That sounded weird, didn't it. Oops**

**4. HAPPY TOLKIEN WEEK! (I think!)**

**If you review or fave and follow with an account (Sorry guests, :( I wish I could PM you) you will get a personalized PM from the cast! :D ****So PLEASE review!  
><span>**

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><p><strong>ACT 6<strong>

_Location: Rohan_

_Aragorn, Legolas and Gimli are standing by a small temple that the audience can see inside because it doesn't have an outside wall facing the audience. Inside it's dark with a small 'fire' and a guy (opt) and Théoden are bent over worshipping a horse, chanting. It is scary and spiritual_

Gimli says (he can't se it) "Finally! Rohan! How nice that we happened to stumble upon here"

Legolas says "It smells very horsey..."

Aragorn says "Just because your breath smells like flowers doesn't mean everything does, besides, they _ARE _the city of horses. Horse masters, horse worshippers, you know, they like horses. Hmm, I'm hungry..."

Gimli say "Me too! Lets go out to eat."

Aragorn says "And then you can't critique my cooking! Fabulous! Lets go!"

Legolas says (looking at temple) "Is that a restaurant?"

Aragorn says "I don't think so but... lets check it out."

_Legolas opens the door to the temple and sees the stuff inside_

_Legolas is distressed and slightly scared_

Legolas says (nervous) "Erm... not a restaurant"

Aragorn says "Legolas! What do your elf eyes see?!"

Gimli says "Why do you have to say that every time Legolas sees something..."

_Gimli looks in and comes out looking scarred _

Gimli says (scarred) "I will assure you his elf eyes do not see a restaurant..."

_Aragorn looks in, and is a bit creeped out_

Aragorn says (also a bit scared but accepting) "It's only the Rohirrim custom. They love horses. You guys have your customs too. How would you like it if people insulted _your _traditions?"

_Legolas and Gimli mumble inaudibly. Aragorn walks in and the worshipper(s) all turn around and look at him creepily in unison._

Aragorn says "Err..."

Théoden says (evilly) "Why have you come, ranger...?"

Aragorn says "Err... my 'friends' and I are hungry... would you happen to know where we could-"

Théoden says "I am afraid you have done something horrible... interrupted our worshipping..."

_Aragorn starts to creep out cautiously_

_Théoden pulls Aragorn in_

Théoden says "You must now stay and worship with us for months..."

_Legolas and Gimli hear Théoden and exchange glances_

Legolas says "Should we go get him?"

Gimli says "Nah."

Legolas says "But I feel sorta bad abandoning him..."

Gimli says "Yeah, I know what you mean. And we can't eat dinner without him."

Legolas says "True! We will retrieve our friend!"

_They peek inside but Théoden immediately senses them and pulls them in._

Legolas says "Not the hair!"

Gimli says "Not the beard!"

_Distressed Aragorn still has enough sanity to shake his head in exasperation. Everything next is in whisper_

Gimli says "We came to save you"

Aragorn says (sarcastic) "And I see you did an_ excellent _job at that."

Legolas says "Just give us time and we'll think of a way out!"

Aragorn says "Good luck on that, Elf boy. I'm bailing myself out."

Gimli says (regular volume) "Oi!"

_Théoden whips round. _

Théoden says "You still interrupt my holy time..."

NARRATOR SAURON says (clapping hands on cheeks) Oh snap! Wait, whoops, wrong Act. But It works in this case

Aragorn says "What was that?!"

Gimli says "Well... you know how I swallowed the key to Galadriel's box...

Legolas says "Yeaaah"

Gimli says "Well, it's turning up later!"

_NARRATOR SAURON cringes_

NARRATOR SAURON says "Oooh, that's gotta hurt"

Gimli says "Ow! It's painful!"

_Legolas is terrified_

Legolas says (whispering) "Can I help?!"

Gimli says "I don't think so... I think I have to sit this one out..."

Aragorn says "Gimli. You need to get out of here..."

_Legolas suddenly points up to some random place _

Legolas says (pointing and shouting) "THÉODEN! IT'S A HORSE!"

_While Théoden is looking Legolas pushes Gimli out_

Théoden says "I see no Horse..."

Legolas says "It was a horse god! Aragorn and I must go outside to see more!"

_Legolas pulls Ara out and they escape_

Legolas says (smiling handsomely) "I am so great."

Aragorn says "That _was_ smart but wipe that smily face off your lips. We have work to do"

_Ara points at Gimli on the ground_

Legolas says (cringing) "Forgot about him... oww. I was too wrapped up in my sheer beauty inside and out to remember."

Aragorn says "Seriously, the key'll hurt when It comes out. And just because you got us out doesn't mean you're awesome"

Legolas says "Omg yesh it does, Ara. Now I'm a better person than you, so I should help Gimli"

Aragorn says (slyly) "Of course... if you're such a great person you could really help me by doing lots of hard work..."

Legolas says "Maybe, but GIMLI!"

_Legolas rushes to Gimmers side_

_Gimli is writhing around_

Gimli says "It's coming!"

NARRATOR SAURON says "Stop being so dramatic. It's not like it's childbirth"

Aragorn says "How would you know?"

NARRATOR SAURON says (shrugging) "I hear it's very painful"

Aragorn says "Great, that's beautiful, but right now Gimli has to go!"

_Aragorn takes Gimli and puts him behind a bush. Gimli suddenly stops making noise. He jumps out from behind the bush with a key in hand_

Gimli says "Yes! I've got it"

_Legolas, NARRATOR SAURON and Ara stare in disgust_

NARRATOR SAURON says "Oh wow. That is so not sanitary"

Gimli says "Now I can see Galadriel's hairs again!"

Legolas says "Wash it first before you put it near my perfect complextion."

NARRATOR SAURON says "I think we should probably end this act because I doubt you want to hear anymore about his dirty key. It's so gross!"

Aragorn says "I'm scruffy (In a handsome way!), dirty, and down to earth but that is just yuck. Plain yuck dude."

_Curtains close slowly_

**_The key turned up later. I promised you it would, didn't I? Eeheheh I regret nothing. #YOLO! Okay, that was just me being stupid... I hate hashtags because when I use number signs I read them as hashtags and when I read hashtags I read them as number signs~_**

**_M'kay, bye!_**


	7. Elrond and 'maid'- Snow white is Kawaii

**This one isn't for people who haven't read the books, because If you've only seen the movies you probably won't know who Erestor is... but if you do, yay! The Snow white song is called "Whistle while you work", If you didn't know. So, at the bottom will be a list of what all those numerous Japanese words mean. Every word with a star next to it will be listed in english at the bottom.**

****If you review with an account (Sorry guests, :( I wish I could PM you) you will get a personalized PM from the cast! :D****

**I know Erestor is nothing like this, but then again, this isn't exactly normal... **

**Also, I mean no offense to anybody who 'cross-dresses', Actually my really good friend Kate dresses like a boy and Thanks Thur (ThurinRanger) for requesting Erestor. And this is what came out.**

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><p><strong>ACT 7<strong>

_Location: House of Elrond_

_Elrond is sitting, reading a book at a table. In the back Erestor is in a girls maids costume with a pink bow sweeping the ground and singing_

Erestor says (singing Snow White) "Just whistle while you work! (do do do do do do do!) And cheerfully together we can tidy up the place! So hum a merry tune! (do do do do do do do!) It won't take long when there's a song to help you set the pace!"

_Elrond puts his fingers on his temple, and puts down his book_

Elrond says "Erestor, please. Stop singing that dreadful tune..."

Erestor says (with a peace sign by his face anime style) "_Baka Eldrond-Sama!* _Who doesn't love Snow White?"

Elrond says "Me. I hate Snow White."

_Erestor looks genuinely surprised and hurt at Elrond_

NARRATOR SAURON says "Oh my Valar Elrond, nobody hates Snow White! That's a crime against humanity"

Erestor says "But... but she's so kawaii!"

NARRATOR SAURON says "Yeah Elrond, she's totally... kaw..a..ee? Is that how you say it?"

Erestor says "Almost, Sauron. Keep trying."

Elrond says "And I'm supposed to know what that means? Please Erestor, dress like a male. It is not in our customs to dress like... that."

Erestor says "But if I'm your maid I might as well be cute!"

Elrond says "I don't understand anything you say. But do whatever you want. And you're not my maid, you're my house keeper!"

Erestor says "Tomato, Tomahto. But arigato* Elrond-sama* for letting me wear this costume, you're so sugoi*!"

Elrond says "And stop with the japanese!"

_Erestor sweeps more, dancing around. Elrond resumes his reading. Erestor takes a picture of Arwen off a table and looks at it. Elrond sees him looking at his picture of Arwen and starts_

Elrond says "Put it back!"

Erestor says (surprised) "Arema!*"

_Erestor drops the photo and it breaks_

_Erestor looks down in shame. Elrond gets up and strides to Erestor_

Elrond says "Erestor, that will take a very long time to repair, and I'm going to make you bring it to the repairing place"

Erestor says (downtrodden) "Yes... I'm sorry."

Elrond says "Just... please. Go."

NARRATOR SAURON says "And that is where I am gonna leave Elrond because if Erestor isn't there this play is gonna get real boring real fast... actually, I have no idea how this one came to be. I mean, a whole act about a girly japanese speaking Erestor? Well, I wont put it past this play...

_curtains close_

***Baka: Idiot, Dummy, Stupid. (not meanly in his case)**

***Arigato: Thanks**

***When the honorific Sama is after somebody's name it is a show of respect**

***Kawaii: Cute, Adorable.**

***Sugoi: Awesome, Amazing.**

***Arema: "Oh my!" kind of thing.**


	8. Gandalf and Buddies- WARGS

**Emma was on a sugar rush (much as she always is) and we were sleeping over at 1 o'clock watching Pirates of the carribean, and laughing so hard it was scary, she came up with an accent which is this dude talking like a drunken steriotypical texan accent and 'he' was talking with words like 'Dem' 'Dat' 'Does' you get the picture, so that Is where glorfindel's cheeseburger talk originates from... you'll see later... but for that part we made the computer talk like that XDD Well, I'm assuring the cheeseburger was her idea, and we were hyper and crying of laughter so... and she came up with Gandalf and Buddies a long time ago.**

**Yup.**

**This was at first only going to be around 3 lines but, well, hyper Emma and Uma said otherwise...**

**If you review with an account (Sorry guests, :( I wish I could PM you) you will get a personalized PM from the cast! :D**

**ACT 8**

_Location: A random bar._

_In the bar are some mountain trolls and Gandalf and a disco ball and a DJ_

Gandalf (DERPILY): Come on _BUDdies! _Let's party! **_Dance party!_**

_Gandalf gets up and starts dancing like a crazy person. The mountain trolls get up and dance with him. Dance party!_

NARRATOR SAURON says (looking creeped out) "Erm, I think we should probably move on..."

Gandalf says "**YO SAURON buddie!** Come dance with us!"

NARRATOR SAURON says "He's so sleep deprived and crazy he doesn't even notice that I'm Sauron the DARK LORD. I don't just party with that old man and some noxious smelling mountain trolls, I am sophisticated and smart!"

Gandalf says (swinging on a chandelier) "WEEEEEEEE!"

NARRATOR SAURON says "We are so moving on! Plus Gandalf, you have to remember your lines! Welp, there goes _another _act to the dogs. Or Wargs, which ever are handy. You know, I bet I could just feed it to the Orcs. They like man flesh but it'll do. Great! Now I'm rambling on! Oh well, it's what I'm paid to do."

DJ says "LOL we're not paid!"

_The DJ spins some tables and everyone cheers_

NARRATOR SAURON says (like 'oh well') "Now the secret is out! The warg is out of the bag! WARGS CAME UP AGAIN. Why?"

Mountain Troll says (unintelligible) "Glargledloos Snarfin Blarggh!" (or something along those lines)

NARRATOR SAURON says "That's worse than the japanese! You know what, I would change the act to somebody more sane, but I'm afraid Ara and friends are absolutely INsane, you wouldn't get a break with Éowyn and Arwen, Merry Pip and Treebeard take too long, nobody wants more unintelligible japanese, so maybe Frodo? Eh, nah. Maybe we'll have new characters coming up... maybe? Um, curtains... curtains? CURTAINS?! THAT'S YOUR CUE EFFECT GUY GLORFINDEL."

_You hear a random guy from backstage_

Glorfindel effect guy says (with a stupid accent) "Oh just, oh yeah, sorry... I just let ma' cheeseburger fall on da ground... it got all mushy and stuffs... ma poor cheezeburger all lonely under ma' desk. I got so hungra' I just could eat a whole warg..."

_He mumbles off into the distance, sniffing occasionally_

NARRATOR SAURON says "I DON'T NEED NO MORE WARG TALK. JUST CLOSE THE CURTAINS, PLEASE!"

_Everyone stops partying and looks at NARRATOR SAURON. They gasp and a muttering of 'He said please!' and random troll talk goes around._

NARRATOR SAURON says "NOOOOO! I SAID PLEAASSEE!"

_Curtains close_

**_I'm sorry for discracing the name of LotR to this... thing. Oh well_**

**_So, I suppose the cast should be noted (so far). Here:_**

**_NARRATOR SAURON_**

_ARAGORN_

_LEGOLAS_

_GIMLI_

_MERRY _

_PIP_

_TREEBEARD_

_SAM_

_FRODO_

_GOLLUM_

_ARWEN_

_EOWYN_

_FARAMIR_

_ELROND_

_ERESTOR_

_GANDALF_

_MOUNTAIN TROLLS?_

_GLORFINDEL EFFECT GUY...?_


	9. Orcs and Boromir- QUEST! (aka a plot)

**_**If you review with an account (Sorry guests, :( I wish I could PM you) you will get a personalized PM from the cast! :D**_**

**_Happy thanksgiving if you're in Canada!_**

**ACT 9**

_Location: Mordor_

_There are three random orcs standing around_

NARRATOR SAURON says "My home! What up homies!"

All Orcs say "Yo Sauron!"

Orc 1 says "I'm so hot in this outfit..."

Orc 2 says "Hey, don't brag dude"

Orc 1 says "No! I mean it's warm. Imma pass out soon."

Orc 3 says "And next we have to do killing camp"

Orc 1 says "Ugh, killing camp is so... long. Killing makes me tired."

Orc 2 says "Just be enthusiastic! Maybe we'll get to eat some men!"

Orc 3 says "OOooh, man flesh!"

NARRATOR SAURON says "Maybe we shouldn't talk about that here, with men in the audience."

Orc 3 says "Sorry, Sir"

_Boromir flounces in heroically wearing only underclothes (a white shirt and shorts)_

_Triumphant music plays_

Orc 2 says "Erm... what'r you wearin'?"

_Boromir ignores him_

Boromir says "**My! **I'm not dead! _And _I simply walked into Mordor! How splendid. Methinks I rememberith, before I deidith, a... a grave robber!

Orc 1 says "Oh no! A grave robber!"

Boromir says "Myself, I do not remember the face, just a possibly male robber who tookith my armor and such. And so, we shall go on a quest to find who took my lostith objects!"

Orc 1 says "Let me come with you, Boro! On a quest!"

NARRATOR SAURON says (annoyed and confused) "Wait, wait! You can't go on a quest with the one person all you people are supposed to _KILL!"_

Orc 1 says "Uhm, may I?"

NARRATOR SAURON says "Okay then."

Boromir says "Orcling, thoust shall journey with me. I am sorry ye other Orcs, but only one may go!"

Other orcs "Aww..."

Orc 2 says (sad) "But we wanted to come... sadface..."

Boromir says "I am most sorry. But now me and Orcling shall questith to the end of the earth for the grave robber who tookith my stuff! _My gauntlets!_"

Orc 1 says "But how will we find this mysterious man-ish person if we don't even know who he is?"

_Boromir poses majestically and his hair starts blowing in the breeze (or fan)_

Boromir says (heroically, with a winning smile, and don't forget he's just in underclothes) "I don't _know_!"

_NARRATOR SAURON mumbles disapprovingly_

NARRATOR SAURON says (quietly) "_He's just like Legolas..._"

Boromir says "Now, follow me on my valiant quest! First, we travel to the dead marshes"

Orc 2 says "Why are you going to the dead mars-"

Boromir says "Hush, thy friend, we must now fly!"

_Boromir hooks arms with the Orc 1 and they skip away._

NARRATOR SAURON says "_Just_ like Legolas..."

Orc 3 says "AND SO BOROMIR STARTS HIS QUEST TO FIND THE GRAVE ROBBER!"

_Triumphant music plays and curtains close_

**And so a plotline forms (sort of)! Ignore mediocre 'shakespearean' language, because I don't know anything about that. I just took a guess and added random iths. Okay, like I said happy thanksgivingith!**


	10. Boro, Ara etc- The 'I' bandit

**I made almost all of this yesterday, and it's 1000 words. Aren't you proud of my writing? You aren't? Oh bugger. Anywho, a plot unfurls as this scene comes to be!**

**If you review or fave and follow with an account (Sorry guests, :( I wish I could PM you) you will get a personalized PM from the cast! :D**

**_ACT 10_**

_Location: Dead marshes_

_There is a dead person on the floor, but the others 'can't see him'. Boromir flounces in and strikes a heroic pose, more triumphant music. He is still only wearing undergarments. Orc 1 is carrying all the supplies, hunched over and panting._

Boromir says "Ha ha! Methinks I have a new theme song! The triumphant music Boromir theme song, orcling, we should make lyrical accompaniments!"

_Triumphant music Boromir theme song plays_

Orc 1 says (tired) "Please. Please take at least one bag..."

NARRATOR SAURON says "Now it's like they're Legolas and Sam."

Boromir says "Orcling, thou are my bag carrier, I am busy with my duties!"

Orc 1 says "Eheh, duties"

Boromir says "I do not understand your jest, Orcling"

Orc 1 says "Nevermind... But Boro, tell me why we're here."

Boromir says "It isith a gut fee- AGH!"

_Boromir looks down and sees the dead person._

Boromir says "Why is there a dead person?!"

Orc 1 says "It's called the dead marshes for a reason..."

Boromir says "But I thought that it was simplyith a name!"

Orc 1 says "It isn't."

_Boromir bends down and gingerly and pokes the dead guy. Nothing happens._

Orc 1 says (flatly) "Boromir, nothing is going to happen, he's dead."

_Boromir straightens up. The dead guy twitches once violently but Orc 1 doesn't see._

Boromir says "**_OH MY! THOU DEAD MAN MOVED!_**"

Orc 1 says "Boro, don't be absurd. Dead people don't move."

Boromir says "I knowith but- but- it did!"

Orc 1 says "Ppppht, yeah right."

_Orc 1 looks away and then the body sctuttles away. Boromir stares._

Orc 1 says "Maybe you'd be better suited if you had picked up some clothes somewhere."

Boromir says "I rather likeith these garments, they look handsome on me."

_Then you hear a sound from the left and Ara and friends run in._

Legolas says (deep in conversation with Gimli) "My meat was SOOOO undercooked!"

Gimli says (also deep in convo) "No, I cook my meat perfect, it's Aragorn you should blame!"

_The three freeze and look at Boromir and the Orc. Aragorn looks at Boromir wide-eyed and quickly takes off 'his' gauntlets and hides them behind his back._

Aragorn says (suspiciously) "Uh, hai Boro! I am a _very_ innocent ma- Wait, Boromir!? Weren't you dead?!_"_

Boromir says "My old friend Ara! I believed that I was dead, but somehow I am not, now friend, doth thou know of a grave robber? I have been searching for thy."

_Aragorn looks around frantically the jumps behind Legolas_

Aragorn says "Um!? I uh- I don't know of any grave robber... ehehehhhe?"

Boromir says "That is too bad then..."

NARRATOR SAURON says "So naive. So he really is Legolas."

Legolas and Boromir say "Excuse me?!"

NARRATOR SAURON says "They even say the same stuff. Orc, you're the only sane one."

Orc 1 says "Finally somebody appreciates me!"

NARRATOR SAURON says "You gotta shoulder to cry on over here, buddie"

Orc 1 says "Aw shucks Saurie. But Orcs can't cry, it's a fact."

NARRATOR SAURON says "It was metaphoric."

Boromir says "Stop with your talking. Now Ara, Legolas and Gimli, would you honour me on a quest to find the grave robber?"

_Aragorn brings Legolas and Gimli into a huddle. Boromir waits for them to stop, looking around aimlessly, tapping his foot and smiling patiently with crossed arms._

Aragorn says (in a hushed whisper) "Listen guys, _I _took his gauntlets, I thought he was dead and I took them as a remembrance and a tribute."

Gimli says "So you're the grave robber?"

Aragorn says "Didn't you just hear me? Yes! I am!"

Legolas says "C'mon, Ara, own up to him."

Boromir says (calling at the from across the room) "Halloo!? Art thou done yet?"

Gimli says "Not yet!"

Legolas says "Just tell him you took the gauntlets and stuff. But why is he only wearing under clothes?"

Aragorn says (embarrassedly) "I uh, may have taken his clothes as well..."

Gimli says "So you undressed a dead Boro?!"

Aragorn says "No! It's not like that!"

_NARRATOR SAURON scoffs_

NARRATOR SAURON "That's what they all say..."

Aragorn says "I just thought his armor was nice."

Gimli says "But you still nearly completely undressed him. And then you kissed him."

_Aragorn blushes_

Legolas says (sternly) "Aragorn, give back Boro's stuff to him. Especially his clothes."

Orc 1 says (muttering) "Am I even part of this plotline, or am I just here to carry bags...?"

_The three go out of the huddle and turn to Boromir._

Aragorn says "Boromir, I have something to say."

Boromir says "What is it thine little friend?"

Aragorn says "I took your stuff..."

_Boromir enflames and looks at Aragorn evilly_

Boromir says (madly) "HOW DARE THEE TAKE MY CLOTHES AND ITEMS!"

Aragorn says (panicked) "No! I uh didn't! It was taken by a mysterious bandit named 'I'!"

_Boromir calms down, believing it. Legolas, Gimli, NARRATOR SAURON and Orc 1 all shake their heads in exasperation. Aragorn does slightly._

Boromir says "So thou shall journey with meith on my voyage to find this mysterious bandit named 'I'!"

_Aragorn gives everyone else a shifty look_

Orc 1 says "Are we gonna tell him?"

Aragorn says "I doubt it"

Boromir says "Tellith me what?"

Aragorn says "Um, nothing, but we'll go with you on this journey to find the 'I' bandit!"

_The background begins to change, and the cast starts walking in place. The terrain changes as they trek. _

NARRATOR SAURON says "And so the people begin their journey to find the -cough fake- 'I' bandit!"

_Triumphant music Boromir theme song plays and curtains close._


	11. Boro, Ara etc- THE 'I' BANDIT?

**_The spleen thing is a reference to the LotR movie appendices when Dom (Merry) is making fun of Orlando (Legolas) for sorta being a crybaby when he cracked his rib XD_**

**_Anyway, I know it's been really long but I've been really busy with homework and such, as well as I am now doing NaNoWriMo! Enjoy this little derp_**

**If you review with an account (Sorry guests, :( I wish I could PM you) you will get a personalized PM from the cast! :D**

* * *

><p><strong><em>ACT 11<em>**

_Location: Random grassy place used for Act 1 and 2_

_Boromir, Orc 1 and Ara and friends are walking, but Legolas isn't there_

Boromir says "We shall conquest on our journey to find the mysterious 'I' bandit!"

Gimli says "I doubt it"

NARRATOR SAURON says "You know what?"

Orc 1 says "What?"

NARRATOR SAURON says "Hmm. I believe I don't see Legolas!"

_Aragorn and others look around and also don't see Legolas. They are confused_

Boromir says "Whereith has thine beloved Legolas gone? I missith him already!"

Aragorn says (muttering) "Speak for yourself..."

NARRATOR SAURON says "Now don't be mean Aragorn, you have to go find Legolas. He may be in danger!"

Aragorn says "He probably just stopped to...y'know.. wee."

Gimli says "Wee?"

Aragorn says "Uhm, drain the main vein?"

Gimli says (confused) "The main vein?"

_Aragorn looks uncomfortable, as does NARRATOR SAURON_

Boromir says "I do not understand thee, what is thou trying to convey?"

Orc 1 says (in realization) "Ooooh, yeah, you mean Legolas just had to... tinkle winkle"

Gimli says "Tinkle winkle?"

_Aragorn, Orc 1 and NARRATOR SAURON all exchange looks_

Aragorn says "Whizz? emiction yourself? Pee pee 4 me me? Fertilize the shrubbery?"

_Boromir and Gimli stare blankly_

NARRATOR SAURON says (clapping his hands) "Well, this is very awkward!"

_All of a sudden you hear a pained grunt and Legolas stumbles onto the stage, bloodied with ripped clothes. A spotlight descends on him and his hair blows in the breeze epicly._

Boromir says "Oh my! A tragic hero! Just what this needs!"

_Bloodied Legolas collapses on the ground dramatically, spotlight still trained on him._

Legolas says (panting) "I am a tragic hero! Just what this needs!"

NARRATOR SAURON says "I am disturbed by their similarities, really. Isn't it creepy?"

Orc 1 says "C'mon now Legolas! What happened?!"

Legolas says "I think my spleen has been ostracized! The **_agony_**!"

_Legolas falls to the ground and lays in the spotlight dramatically. Aragorn gasps and Gimli and Boromir run to Legolas's side._

Gimli says "Dear Legolas! Who did this to you?!"

Legolas says "A man... in black!"

NARRATOR SAURON says "Like the men in black?"

Legolas says "Didn't you hear me? A MAN in black, not MEN in black. Besides, he told me his name, it was the 'I' bandit!"

_Everyone gasps loudly_

Aragorn says (awed) "Truly?"

Legolas says (rolling his eyes) "I'm kinda dying here, I wouldn't lie."

Aragorn says "So... there really is an 'I' bandit!"

Orc 1 says "Ohmergersh, this is too weird"

Legolas says "He was... oh, so horrible... so fast. Almost indestructible"

Boromir says "Methinks he sounds like a formidable enemy! A challenge!"

Aragorn says "I do like a challenge but let's not get too exc-"

Boromir says "A challenge! A challenge! Hurrah!"

Aragorn says "By valar, this is going to be a long day..."

_curtains close_


	12. Gala and Fara- A lil' poem

**I haven't updated for about 2 months or so XD Sorry, but I've been busy with Nanowrimo so I haven't had much time to do anything. I didn't have much inspiration but... oh well. Just like this one :DDDDDDD**

**I don't know where this came from XDD I did it in a half an hour**

**If you review with an account (Sorry guests, :( I wish I could PM you) you will get a personalized PM from the cast! :D**

* * *

><p><strong>ACT 12<strong>

_Location: Forest_

_Faramir is sitting on a log. And Narrator Sauron is sleeping_

NARRATOR SAURON says (mumbling) "This was like, what, five days ago? Okay, now go on. I'm just sleep talkiing"

Faramir says "Oh, how to express my feelings to Éowyn..."

_Galadriel walks in_

Galadriel says "I heard you Faramir, dear! You need advice with girls! Well, I'm jussst the lady to call"

Faramir says "Really? You would help me with Éowyn?"

Galadriel says (in a 'cool aunt' way) "Of course! Now dear, the best way to a woman's heart is through words. So I think we should write her a poem of some kind. Now here"

_Galadriel sits down with him and pulls out a pad of modern paper and a pen from behind the log and hands it to him_

Galadriel says "It's a new way of writing! It works well. Now honey, I'll leave the wording up to you."

Faramir says (kiddishly) "But... lady Galadriel, I don't know what to say!"

Galadriel says "Oh- oh. Comment on her eyes, girls always like it when you talk about their eyes"

Faramir says (looking at the pen weirdly) "Uhm, okay"

_He writes something down_

Faramir says "Now what next?"

Galadriel "Oh, dearie, you should say something about her dry hair. Yeah, her hair, then skin and smile, and then how she looks big in her dresses. Ladys love guys when they do that"

Faramir says "This is great!"

_He writes more down_

Galadriel says "Oh, her voice!"

Faramir says "Great!"

Galadriel says "And cooking!"

_Faramir looks disgusted_

Faramir says "Eheh, maybe not that. She's not quite the best cook..."

Galadriel says "Come on, hun, tell it like it is! Now let's see this poem of yours"

Faramir says (excitedly) "Here goes nothing! *Ehem*, so, 'My dearest Éowyn, I love you so much, you have pretty swamp coloured eyes and on Aragorn (who you like) I have a grudge. Your blonde hair looks like a horses mane, Your skin is soft and you drive me insane. If you ever smiled I bet it would be nice, you have a really great voice that is cold like ice! You are good looking enough and you're good at some stuff but not at cooking"

_He smiles at Galadriel and her eye is twitching._

Galadriel says "It's er, lovely! Not quite a poem but... You know what, she'll love it. Go give it to her, hun!"

Faramir says "OKAY! Thanks Lady Galadriel!"

_Faramir runs out. Galadriel smirks once he's gone and takes off dress revealing pants and a shirt. She takes off Blonde hair and shows Aragorn's hair. She- or he- stands up_

Aragorn says "Faramir fell for my plot! HAHAHA! Now Éowyn will surely like me more! Even though Arwen is my love Éowyn is still really cute!"

_curtains close_


End file.
